This entry was written sometime in July:
I’ve been struggling with being hard on myself, about how fast (or not) I accomplish tasks at work. I feel almost constantly self-conscious about being seen as “too slow” or feeling like I can’t keep up with the prep list, can’t get enough done. This is not a new feeling; I faced this same difficulty in a previous workplace, where I worked solo in the kitchen and had to learn a lot by myself on the job. Inevitably, I put a lot of pressure on myself – it’s kind of how I’m wired.
Now that it’s summer, the busiest season in restaurants and in most people’s lives in general, the morning prep list always feels too big. With only 2.5 hours maximum to get shit done, I end up leaving one or two things to do later. I try to remind myself that I’m doing my best and that it’s okay. When I’ve voiced my worries to more experienced cooks, they’ve told me that 1. speed comes with experience, and 2. experience just takes time and practice (aka you can’t force it). Another person simply said “don’t stress about speed” simple as that… I WISH! There have been too many mornings where I’m scrambling to set up my station before service and I get off to a chaotic start because I spent too long on my prep list.
I recently experienced the type of work day that really knocked my self-esteem during a prep shift. My list consisted of mostly new tasks, which for me means slow progress. Right off the bat I made a critical mistake, thankfully on a low priority task. I had to restart the whole batch of sweet bean burgers effectively DOUBLING the time I spent on it. Such a silly mistake too, I forgot to grind my oats into flour before adding them to the mixture, so my sweet bean burgers looked more like oatmeal bean cookie dough than vegetarian burgers. I also made dill aioli for the first time and felt like I was moving in slowwwwww motion. It took me nearly 3 hours and I barely yielded 2 litres of product. Man, I struggle to work and talk at the same time.
Every day is a new opportunity to take what I’ve learned, practice, and get faster bit by bit. I often try out new methods of time management when I get my prep list for the day, but sometimes I just fall behind, leaving one task unfinished more often than not. I feel selfish when I’m scrambling to finish my list while somebody else brings the dishes upstairs, sweeps the kitchen and basically closes around me. I want to observe my coworkers’ time management skills, maybe I can learn something about how they get all their work done, or maybe sometimes they’re more like me than I think. We can’t all be on our A-game every single minute of every day…
To focus on something positive, the proof was in the curd this week. Let me explain. I discovered we had run out of lemon curd for our monthly cheesecake and decided to make more. This task had me feeling equally excited and nervous; I’ve wanted to be more involved in our desserts for many months, but I had never made a large batch of lemon curd. I really wanted to do a good job, so I set about zesting and squeezing fresh lemons. Again, I felt slightly self-conscious about how long this task was taking, but later it became clear that the amount of time I spent doing it right was absolutely worth it. The next day, the chef explained to me that, although he had to fix the curd by bringing it to a boil, this was the best lemon curd he’s seen someone make in our kitchen. I couldn’t believe my ears – honestly, I wasn’t sure what he said at first so I hardly mumbled a thank you, just kept my head down and got back to work. His comment made me glow inside. Chef compared my work to a different batch of curd (turns out there was an UNLABELLED one in the fridge all along???) Not only was the unlabelled curd a pale, muted yellow colour, it tasted off, sort of harsh, while mine was a luscious, bright yellow with fresh zingy lemon flavour. Zesting all those fresh lemons, straining my egg yolk, taking every precaution was so worth it. I felt very proud of myself in that moment, it was a small win.